How long will I play this game? I want to write, I want to speak, to communicate so badly but everything in retrospect just feels so meaningless. I’m going to try this morning.
My tea is steeping. It’s 9:43 am. The morning has been long, peaceful and full of cuddling from every direction possible within the confines of my apartment. My family: a 2 year old boy-child, man- partner and 3 beautiful cats with slick black fur and bright green eyes. Bombay. Found their way into my heart and home at different times, different cities and different states.
It’s late in October and it’s been a frigid 44 degrees Fahrenheit for the last 2 days in a row. I have socks on under my slippers. Despite covid, I have found a way somehow in Boise to develop a new friendship or two. It’s a slow process but I’m grateful to be able to support and love on the peacekeepers of this new town I call home. How long does it take for home to feel like home? I’m trying to find out. It’s been since February 2017 since I’ve moved here with my partner. We are rooting. Some plants take longer to root than others but one thing is for sure: with no water, no substrate, you can’t root. And here we are.
To the internet, I am grateful. To be able to connect with support people while minimizing physical contact. Share. Give, Receive, and energize.
It is always an interesting thing when the victim advocate is a.. victimizer. When someone uses wealth and status and power to collect people as “friends” that can be abused and gaslight later and called “ungrateful’ for all the help you needed but never asked for. If you have money, if you want to “help” but that “help” comes with an expected exchange of subservience, you aren’t helping anyone. Stay away from me and stay away from my people. Morally, we have nothing in common. So don’t say that is how we connected. You can read about chakras and serenity all day long but your evil behavior is transparent and your energy bounces off of other peoples energy. It’s uncomfortable at best.
I had a bad day yesterday. An emotionally violent person came back to Facebook after a 2 year absense and left my heart beating and my palms sweating and I was getting irritable around my family but could not tell them why. I had to go on a walk. A fast walk, a distracted walk, a different walk from my normal morning walks.
It felt invasive, after completely removing this persons presence from my life to see that they were now my “friend” on Facebook, able to reactivate and immediately have access to my personal content and friends and digital life presentation. I am now in particular, grateful for how selective I can be with what I share online. But damn.
This person had no permission to contact me again, after I said, please do not contact me. Affirming my boundaries. Something I was never great at. But I am trying. Finally, in my thirties, I matter and my needs matter and I will protect my boundaries with more force than a “please”.
I had to write about this, it was really stressful, I still feel really stressed out and anxious. It took me a very long time to learn how to exist in the world . I grew up very poor and self taught so limited in my intelligence. I did not have guidance, I did not know where to begin.
A more educated woman, born into a classier family and with a more ideal zip code may have had all the things together that I did not at age 22, 23, 24, 25. But I did not. And for that, I was taken advantage of by the world.
I have too much to protect now. My stomach hurts. My heart hurts. Evil revealed itself to me, and I hate it when I see it.
To you I say: Go away. Stop abusing people. Stop forming relationships with the meek, young, and vulnerable so you can take advantage of them. You are shitty, just as shitty as those abusers you claim you “protect” people from. Get your heart right.
As a side note, Inmates CAN and SHOULD fill the appropriate forms for the $1200 stimulus payment from the U.S. Federal Government
While I am here, If you know anyone incarcerated please direct them to this link so they can access the $1,200 stimulus payment that was accessible to most Americans due to covid-19. Seems like the jail and prison institutions have not been honest to inmates about eligibility for this money. No shock there, so it must be a grassroots efforts to share this info as much as we can so our friends locked up to be able to get it.
I’m bleeding out of my face. Picking at my thumbs in a fit of almost unprecedented anxiety. My eyes are dry, my throat is dry, I’m a little bit high. Everything is fine so far for us I guess. I’ve been thinking about divine purpose and trying to minimize and share more and love my partner and life. I got a sweet post card in the mail the other day from my high school friend, Molly. It made me smile, I wish I had the bandwidth to write back.
I need to buy stamps. I am forcing myself to write. Why did I have to be alive right now in 2020? It’s difficult, it feels peak evil and I cry too much. I am painting something though. For a new friend. May we recieve great energy for each other during this pandemic and period of hopelessness for those of this land. Through gifts. And plants.
I don’t know a world through the lens of anything else but craziness. It’s in my family, my blood, my experiences. It feels unrelatably fragile to be so deeply hurt and affected by a word used outside of the context of a personal attack.
I don’t know where else to go but stand right here and love in this world of hate. This kitten would really love some attention now. I am sending all the good things to you!
I made it. 31. I feel confident, for a change. The first time? Up for debate. I feel comfortable, not confident. I guess there’s a difference to distinguish. And so, at 5:30am after kissing my partner goodbye. That’s my powerful human body.
I lit 12 candles across the kitchen table. 4 Incense sticks. Set my camera on auto-timer and took a seat. This is me. If I die soon, who cares. I don’t care. Take me back whenever, universe. Just make sure my son is taken care of and that I love him eternally.
What a shitshow this year has been for everyone. How calm and chaotic it has been for me, personally. I want to buy stamps and write more letters but my hand cramps up and I never feel my words are worthy of the cost of a stamp. I should fix my attitude and my car and just go get stamps.
I haven’t had my own “job” since October, when I quit, again. I have exactly enough energy to raise my child. No more, no less. And so I left. This gives me a lot more time and energy to do things that matter more and it has become evident that that includes trying to be a better friend and there for individual human beings.
More on that later. I am going to get another glass of water.
September. September. This is my season, my month. Fall. The heat takes longer to permeate the air. It feels like hell on Earth. It feels like spiritual warfare. The energy is so thick on this planet that it makes me sweat or cool down the moment I recieve a bit of informations. What kind of a program is this?
It is 2020 and this year, everyone is louder. I don’t know where or when the agreement was constructed and signed, I must have missed the private ceremony.
If you hate, you hate louder.
If you love, you love louder.
If you are ignorant, you are ignorant louder.
If you kill, you do it louder.
Asking nicely hasn’t worked in 400 years. History has been speaking back to me, telling me in my heart and gut and soul.. that shit has not hit the fan yet. And it will. Please try to check in with me. I love you. Be safe.
I have no less than 6 drafts in my WordPress backlog that never made it past 2 sentences. Just different thoughts, headed nowhere fast, ready to use up a small little piece of data.
I am trying again tonight. A lot has happened. In the world, in my world, in my country (America).
Overchoice or choice overload is a cognitive impairment in which people have a difficult time making a decision when faced with too many options. I remember the concept from Alvin Toffler in his 1970 book, Future Shock.
I recognize it every day on my social media feeds and the broader internet. There’s so many awful things to be concerned about. The memes say it all. This is ALL I care about! Because racism, covid-19, climate change, pedophilia, human trafficking, is an issue, nothing else matters. Create more problems, fluster your society, control the narrative, we are powerless.
In marketing, we use a very specific call-to-action that directs the lead to move forward in a funnel. To avoid confusing people with overchoice. The amount and gravity of things going on right now is intentional and citizens are flabbergasted and emotionally worn out.
BlackLivesMatter, AllLivesMatter, a divisive semantic game used to create false enemies while the police state blooms and state sanctioned murder is being justified by people whose entire lives have been designed to make them believe it is normal.
I haven’t done much that I consider to be useful in my heart and it tears at me. I haven’t made anything but headaches and dinner for the last few weeks. My heart feels connected to other empathetic hearts and together we are weeping.
That’s a recurring theme of the NDE’s I’ve been reading over the last few weeks at the Near Death Experience Research Foundation. Your soul, spirit, etc floats above your physical body and time seems meaningless while your awareness is fully realized.
The calmness, dark tunnel and the white light at the end. That part is exciting to me and I can relate. Time feels like a shackle to me and when I can let go of my timely obligations and just exist, as I do in a garden for example on a day off, I feel the most joy and time slips by faster.
I’ve been receiving messages lately about the way the universe works. I miss being 24 and going on walks alone at night. I spent years being alone and now I am so wholly committed to my person that I wouldn’t want to walk alone because I wouldn’t want to scare him should he wake.
I was talking to my dad recently about my theories that the second-coming of Christ is an evolutionary event. Every generation of humans biologically become more loving beings and closer to the source, that is “God”. I am not afraid of dying, and even more have focused entirely on raising a loving human being. It’s hard and really exhausting.
One day, maybe in hundreds or perhaps thousands of years every single human will be spiritually aware and loving and able to kill their egos.
When photographs first started gaining popularity, there emerged a trend by some Photographers to capture spirits. Commonly referred to as spirit photography, William Hope comes to mind.
I believe every generation is getting kinder, smarter, and this is a slow evolution into a more loving humanity. Earth will evolve with the humans that inhabit it as a more beautiful planet when given the proper love and care.
Like an endlessly tessellating fractal of human experience, we will grow better, stronger, kinder and closer to God with each evolutionary repetition.
Time, this fake human construct I experience despite my best efforts to not. The time is flirting with midnight. My beautiful partner, snoring lightly. My beautiful child, sleeping in another room.
I would lay down sometimes with a cloth over my eyes and just imagine leaving my physical body and floating around it but I am scared. An out of body experience, many others describe. I don’t think that I can bring myself to try, even though I know that I could. Not right now, it’s too stressful. There’s never any quiet or alone time anymore.
But for so long there was! I could close my eyes in a grassy spot and just waft around on earth but also everywhere. I could feel the connectedness to the entire planet. I could trace my energy like never-ending veins reaching out and affecting everything. I can’t do that right now, its very much a chaotic situation on earth and the receiving end of that chaos physically introduces itself as a headache. People, stress, chaos.
The blessings in my life right now are breathing down my neck. I am grateful that for the most part, my little family is able to focus on our love for each other and being grateful for everything and helping others where possible.
It is 2020, and things are bad but they are still better than they have ever been on Earth and that’s what is important. I try to constantly remind myself, we are spiritual beings having a temporary physical experience here on Earth. I am not afraid of dying, but I sometimes believe I am afraid of making the most of life.
This rant was supposed to be motivational, maybe I should pick up a paintbrush or go to sleep and stop drinking coffee because parenting is hard and so will be tomorrow.
I am a spiritual being having a temporary physical experience, and that is why I am so tired these days.
I have been helping my Father with a new website hosted on WordPress so that I can help him with the technology aspects of his music. I have always loved his music as it has inspired me since a very young age to pursue new things to listen to from different generations, especially the blues.
I am a citizen disgusted, of the United States of America. In case you are not, and unfamiliar with news in this country, there has been a racial divide :forever: and it has left us damaged and divided for as long as America broke free from the reigns of Great Britain. He was gunned down while jogging February 23rd, 2020.
This dude was beautiful, he has a huge smile and he was just going for a jog in his neighborhood. Another disgusting defense and senseless crime.
If you are a fellow American with any tendencies for pattern recognition, this is a pretty familiar plot. Black Americans gunned down by police brutality. Blue protecting blue, infiltration of white supremacists within the Police Forces in the south, etc etc. I truly hope justice is served for Ahmaud and that these people cannot hurt anyone else.
I often want to see and learn about the Ahmaud Arbery and other highlighted deaths.. I think of it as, don’t know, a little dedication. A little moment with them. I guess it’s another side effect of the internet, we can reconnect with people whenever we want through their images and content. Dead or alive. Every photo on the internet I could see was this gorgeous smile. Goodbye, beautiful man, I’m sorry you were taken away like this.
The dirty white man that makes me feel uncomfortable. No smile, dirty pants, dirty appearance. Full of hate. A former federal prosector’s investigator, so of course they wanted to cover this up.
The entire police system is corrupt.
Too many Americans are proud and not ashamed of our history with slavery.
It makes my stomach churn, the problems America has with violence. The problems we have in our communities. In our government and police systems.
And I may not know what a solution looks like, but I know what it feels like to be mad for my entire fucking life about the same shit.