It takes at least 3 generations to break a family out of the poverty line. Something like that, I recall during one of my recent late night “reading” or “scrolling through my phone in the dark” sessions, the modern day equivalent of what one may have imagined as flipping through a book or a magazine even just ten years ago.
This one little tidbit of information, as inoffensive as can be, brings me such great anxieties. Do you ever live in fear of repeating the same exact mistakes you were born into? I’m constantly at ends with myself, wondering if it’s just a self fulfilling prophecy, and then at the same time longing for the irresponsible pastimes that I know would get me in the very same spot i’m so afraid of being in to begin with.
What matters in life? Is it being comfortable, having something people would be proud of?
Is it something else entirely, some other random thing that brings you personal joy? Is it a number of things, the variety of experience itself that lends to you your happiness?
I’ve been so tired lately, and so sad, I am missing things. Im working my life away, and when I am not working I am trying my absolute best to turn something terrible into something beautiful- which can sometimes be a simple task but it gets quite complicated when that terrible something is a ruined home, and that beautiful thing is a restored, beautiful home.
I feel that I cannot rest and I am overwhelmed. I am 26 and I didn’t know this would happen to me and I am wholeheartedly overwhelmed.
I own this terrible home, or rather, this terrible home owns me.
I miss myself.
You. You are just standing there, and you feel weak. There are loud noise around you in echoes because you don’t want to feel the loneliness of quiet. Not today.
It is abrasive and sounds like the banging of trashcans in the rain. Head hurts. Heart hurts. Eyes are dried open. No coffee today, just watching the fog lift from the lake out back and letting noises take over.
“ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, this is going to be ok.” you reassure yourself. “It’s just annoying, nothing more than annoying”
“The nasty parts of things are important to keep in mind in order to better appreciate the beautiful.”
At least that is what I have been telling myself every time I pull up into this mass of trash pouring out of the front porch, like some sort of a monster just waiting to suck up the entire yard and planet. It’s a sort of a funny representation of the state of the earth and it’s mine now. A lot of mess, just junk. In heaps. I’ve been overwhelmed by things, this non stop accumulation of physical objects I just cannot keep up with.
This week, the trash will be gone. The roof will be fixed. This week welcomes a new level of decency to this raggedy piece of shit, my empire of dirt. This trailer that I cannot seem to figure out why I care so much about. I bought flowers, already giving more consideration to the environment of which this property lies that the property itself.
All the while working away every day. Getting older and more tired. My mind so busy, never able to sleep. Crying often, reading constantly, I feel unhealthy. Unbalanced. I don’t know how I became so stressed within the span of 8 months. So many things fell into my lap at the same time, life disregarding my comfort. Every decision feels like a tragic mistake lately, but at the very least its a decision and I was never good with those. I’m posting this is my first “before” in regards to the moon lake earth ship. I want to create a beautiful space with the help of my sister and her boyfriend and brother, TJ. I want to share this experience with you. It will probably take me a year, but this is hopefully going to be the most rewarding thing I ever do in my life. a butterfly garden, a fruit and vegetable garden, a beautiful home with bamboo floors and enough food to feed for a month. A chicken coop and a reading nook. A tree house and a koi pond and a spiral herb garden and butterfly visitors and bee visitors and art everywhere!
But in order to best appreciate that future dream, in 12 months, no matter what happens I need to relish in the fact that it looks like absolute shit right now. It’s elegant in a way, seeing the house I spent most of my early teenage years in complete shambles. A mountain of trash. This is poverty. Even the biggest pile of trash can be rebuilt, and I believe that.
In this pretty art room, watching my cat roll around in a mess of off-white blankets and listening to Vashti Bunyan sing about feeling shy and I am looking back on the last 2 days, and the last 3 months that led to it. I learned a lot of lessons, I think we all did. I have learned:
- It’s ok to get lost sometimes
- It’s ok to be yourself
- It’s ok to stress people out
- It’s ok to love them still
- It’s ok to fall out of love
- It’s ok to learn to forgive
- It’s ok to love a friend
- Relationships will always have hard parts
- If the love is real, they will always be there
I know what love is. Its being able to smile and laugh and have fun whether you are doing nothing or something. It is patient and sweet, it is remembering. It doesn’t hurt that much all the time, but it can hurt a lot sometimes. If it is meant to be, you don’t have to force it. You dont have to feel angry or upset all the time. You can simply exist, and even when things get stressful and bad, it is mutually handled because love is there and love fixes things if you let it.
I realized that anxiety and depression work against each other and that letting love perform its healing magic is necessary part of depression and anxiety to ,make sure two people can communicate their different needs. It is easy to fuck up. Its easy to get mad and overreact but if you put enough work into it, fixing it can be easy too.
I think everything is all figured out. I can be happy now. I kept smiling this weekend. I can smile now.
Until next time…
It’s the last weekend of May and I am just barely making my one-post-a-month blogging commitment but let me tell you: I’ve been having SO MUCH fun working with AdEspresso so far. This is a journey I could have never, ever predicted I’d be taking right now at this point in my life. Nichole just said to me for years since I was 21 that I’m going to be an “entrepreneur” one day and I just wasted time painting and working odd jobs until she threw this interview in my face and by some miracle of the gods it worked out.
I wasn’t ready but if I’d trusted myself instead of her I’d never be ready so I agreed to work with them despite a few setbacks- mostly being the complete absense of skills in Facebook advertising, in SaaS, in anything, really. I’m a graphic designer with a few udemy course certificates and a neverending addiction to reading business and marketing journals.
I’ve done research enough to know this team worked together from a web development firm into developing this tool together. Theyre friends, they know eachother and the product inside and out and came to the United States to participate in a round of seed funding and joining 500 Startups and people love the product! I have done a number of research on the company, the team, and the competitors and it’s pretty clear to me after 4 months that we have the best product around, and probably the best founding team around. Interviews of these other founders with Facebook advertising platforms give off the obvious “I just want your money” stench but I can tell in every conversation and shared call I’ve been on that our CEO just want to educate people on the power of paid advertising as well as provide a tool to make it easy to do so.
The paralells with art I’ve noticed so far are noticeable and beautiful. When you create a Facebook advertisement, you are creating a work of art that is designed to produce a desire in a complete stranger. You have to think of who your customers are and what they like. If you aren’t targeting people that would love what you have to offer in a way that flows just enough with their actual newsfeed that it isn’t annoying all the while standing out enough to catch their attention and that is not something you can automate.
It’s something you have to teach. It goes beyond the tool itself, we are educating our users in the art of marketing and business and its such an amazing opportunity! I’m amazed constantly at the power of my words and suggestions to all kinds of people: business owners, consultants, creatives, CEOs and Founders, marketing agencies. We have this power to make their jobs and lives easier and it’s amazing to me. Nerve wrecking and beautiful.
This is my new art. It’s my new obsession. I wake up early in the morning and water my garden in hopes to see a melon and some lily blooms and then I have my coffee and get to work growing something else entirely: our business. our customers business. It makes me happy to do so. It makes me happy to struggle with it and learn from it and I can’t wait to see what kind of a person it ends up turning me into.
I was talking to venus as a boy as I have been a lot lately and I’m really fascinated by him. His curiosity and enthusiasm and faith in himself and everyone and the entire world.
Dark eyes dark hurt guttural screams feral thoughts perpetual smiles and unparalleled joy.
I’m sitting here wondering to myself, “are you real?”
I told him about God and he said he prays sometimes but does not admit it to others often. I told him, yo, all religion to me is the exact same energy disguised and acclimated to all of the different entities and societies that want to lay claim to God. I am sure to measure his reaction and he gets it!!!! Exclaimed with just enough explanation points to make no mistake about the genuineness of his feelings. I can feel the smile beaming at me through the pixels in my screen and it is fucking overwhelming. Its like a violent gust of wind. It feels so nice the wind is making my hair whip me in the face.
I told him about the snowflakes restoring my adolescent faith in god, about how they are all unique and someone, some force of the world makes sure they are all unique and different and that’s Incredible to me. There is a magic out there, that is undeniable and I pray to it when I am scared. All of this that I feel, and he gets it.
It is March and I find that I just keep getting worse at this whole being a blogger thing but I haven’t abandoned ship yet and I just keep getting busier! I do have my fair share of excuses though. My last job did not work out as all of the clues I picked up on regarding their management practices manifested into the downsizing of a five person company. Lol.
I did not leave without something bigger on my mind, and that something bigger is what I am still working as a trial period employee for the next two weeks but you know I will write about the company and position in another post if it works out for me! I am well on my way to being a literal expert on Facebook advertising. Hell, I even had to sign up to a brand new set of newsletters 🙂 Learning things and being challenged at my job is a really nice feeling and I hope that at the very least moving forward with my life I won’t have to feel bored by what I do for a living ever again. Also, the position is remote and most everyone (if not everyone) else in the company is Italian or from Italy! It is an absolute pleasure and learning opportunity at the very least but I am hoping to see how much I can accomplish in a Saas position with them in the future.
<complain> For the new position, I had to buy a new laptop and consequently have the most annoying experience in my generally annoy-free life: buying a broken computer. After 3 weeks of using it perfectly fine (despite it being a windows 8 and thus very irritating in good working order) shut down suddenly and loudly gave me the ominous beep codes 3, 5 and 8. Over and over. Every time I tried to turn it on. Ruined an entire Friday night for me. I will try not to complain about it forever like I very well could but Tiger Direct refused to handle the issue and do a trade in. No wonder you’re all going bankrupt. Don’t sell broken hardware. </complain>
All is well, I am going to eventually get my laptop fixed and get what I spent good, hard earned money on. I have been happier! I have been challenged in many aspects of my life that had remained stagnant for so long and am ready to surprise myself. Right now I am listening to an old Radiohead album remix from 2004. Old, from 2004. Look at me now, I’m living in the future. I am 25 and 2004 was years ago. This will be a beautiful year.
I’ve got some sketchbook drawings before I succumb to the weekend and make new art. If you’re following me on twitter then you will already know about my recent art baptism the other night. Anything in the gallery that you may find pleasant and want to purchase is now unavailable and I am debating creating a new gallery page for artwork that is created from this point on. (thoughts?) I was going through old sketchbooks because I want to throw out my old sketchbooks (I have a lot of them) and I need to really consolidate all of the neat things I collect. Antique jars, hello kitty stuffed animals, portfolios full of graphic designs for fancy corporations and also avant-garde paintings done with the delicacy and detail and nightmarish aesthetic could only dream of. Drawings made by me. I want to force myself to draw things that are happier. I’m hoping it’s going to inspire me to be a happier and less mean person. I don’t want to paint or draw broken people anymore. In an impassioned post recently I wrote so eloquently,
“someone on the bus this morning choked on an ice-cube and his dentures fell into his lap and I’ve been so sad and uncomfortable all day ever since. He was sitting next to me and he was so old and dejected and sad and his breath smelled like chemicals. I always have painted broken people, amputees, bruised and injured, because that’s always how I feel. Ten years later and I am still an amputee on the inside.” (11-10-14)
and I’ve made the first steps towards being happier and more pleasant. To growing my arms and legs back and being complete for once. I can grow limbs if I try hard enough. I know I can.
that I’ll be playing with for the rest of my life
“This has been so many things, though.”, I explained to my friend as he came by and conveniently took away some paintings of mine that have been giving me a weird glare and need to leave where I sleep at night. I’ve surrendered. I locked myself out of my house accidentally again, for the second time since my roommates left for California and am so glad he was there to let me back in and take my art and swiftly leave me in the comfort of my vanilla tea and boondocks reruns on netflix. I hardly ever watch tv anymore. I was explaining the process on this painting, but I didn’t get as in depth as I could have. This is a really big canvas compared to most of my work. The canvas itself was a birthday gift from a tall, handsome man with anger issues and an interesting last name. He’s got entitlement problems just like every other guy I decide I don’t want to be with. Originally, it was a woman, naked, bent over, hardly visible/audible and tossed in the rain. I painted her over and over and over again, deciding it best fit to just never let her be complete in that way I usually do not let things finish. My art and emotions dance with each other pretty regularly so it was an easy choice to make. I decided would paint and keep painting forever, taking photos along the way of every iteration of a painting that it exists in. So far she has erupted into a forest of color and boredom and mythology. Who knows where next my imagination decides to travel to but you trust me it will end up here along with the layers and layers of everything I have ever felt.