Trigger Warning

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I’m bleeding out of my face. Picking at my thumbs in a fit of almost unprecedented anxiety. My eyes are dry, my throat is dry, I’m a little bit high. Everything is fine so far for us I guess. I’ve been thinking about divine purpose and trying to minimize and share more and love my partner and life. I got a sweet post card in the mail the other day from my high school friend, Molly. It made me smile, I wish I had the bandwidth to write back.

I need to buy stamps. I am forcing myself to write. Why did I have to be alive right now in 2020? It’s difficult, it feels peak evil and I cry too much. I am painting something though. For a new friend. May we recieve great energy for each other during this pandemic and period of hopelessness for those of this land. Through gifts. And plants.

I don’t know a world through the lens of anything else but craziness. It’s in my family, my blood, my experiences. It feels unrelatably fragile to be so deeply hurt and affected by a word used outside of the context of a personal attack.

I don’t know where else to go but stand right here and love in this world of hate. This kitten would really love some attention now. I am sending all the good things to you!

Late night / Early morning

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I made it. 31. I feel confident, for a change. The first time? Up for debate. I feel comfortable, not confident. I guess there’s a difference to distinguish. And so, at 5:30am after kissing my partner goodbye. That’s my powerful human body.

I lit 12 candles across the kitchen table. 4 Incense sticks. Set my camera on auto-timer and took a seat. This is me. If I die soon, who cares. I don’t care. Take me back whenever, universe. Just make sure my son is taken care of and that I love him eternally.

What a shitshow this year has been for everyone. How calm and chaotic it has been for me, personally. I want to buy stamps and write more letters but my hand cramps up and I never feel my words are worthy of the cost of a stamp. I should fix my attitude and my car and just go get stamps.

I haven’t had my own “job” since October, when I quit, again. I have exactly enough energy to raise my child. No more, no less. And so I left. This gives me a lot more time and energy to do things that matter more and it has become evident that that includes trying to be a better friend and there for individual human beings.

More on that later. I am going to get another glass of water.

Stay Hydrated & Fight for Justice 🙂

These headlines are killing me

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September. September. This is my season, my month. Fall. The heat takes longer to permeate the air. It feels like hell on Earth. It feels like spiritual warfare. The energy is so thick on this planet that it makes me sweat or cool down the moment I recieve a bit of informations. What kind of a program is this?

28th Soldier to die at Fort Hood, Tx in the USA.

U.S President Donald Trump disparaged US war dead as ‘losers,’ ‘suckers’.

Unarmed Black Man shot dead by cop in _____, USA. Every single week. Nobody can even catch their breath.

Fill in the blank. Outrage, heart beats faster, some kind of ingorant hateful comments coming from somewhere. Someone’s tar woven heart.

Unidentifiable State Agents Kidnap Protestors off the Streets. Secret Police.

Fascism in the United States of America. Our elected bad guy, says vote twice (for him).

The pandemic feels like a year ago, 180,000 COVID-19-related deaths in the U.S. People are going hungry. Getting angry. What do we need, now more than ever?

Louder

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It is 2020 and this year, everyone is louder. I don’t know where or when the agreement was constructed and signed, I must have missed the private ceremony.

If you hate, you hate louder.

If you love, you love louder.

If you are ignorant, you are ignorant louder.

If you kill, you do it louder.

Asking nicely hasn’t worked in 400 years. History has been speaking back to me, telling me in my heart and gut and soul.. that shit has not hit the fan yet. And it will. Please try to check in with me. I love you. Be safe.

Overchoice and the intentional division in America

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I have no less than 6 drafts in my WordPress backlog that never made it past 2 sentences. Just different thoughts, headed nowhere fast, ready to use up a small little piece of data.

I am trying again tonight. A lot has happened. In the world, in my world, in my country (America).

Overchoice or choice overload is a cognitive impairment in which people have a difficult time making a decision when faced with too many options. I remember the concept from Alvin Toffler in his 1970 book, Future Shock.

I recognize it every day on my social media feeds and the broader internet. There’s so many awful things to be concerned about. The memes say it all. This is ALL I care about! Because racism, covid-19, climate change, pedophilia, human trafficking, is an issue, nothing else matters. Create more problems, fluster your society, control the narrative, we are powerless.

In marketing, we use a very specific call-to-action that directs the lead to move forward in a funnel. To avoid confusing people with overchoice. The amount and gravity of things going on right now is intentional and citizens are flabbergasted and emotionally worn out.

BlackLivesMatter, AllLivesMatter, a divisive semantic game used to create false enemies while the police state blooms and state sanctioned murder is being justified by people whose entire lives have been designed to make them believe it is normal.

I haven’t done much that I consider to be useful in my heart and it tears at me. I haven’t made anything but headaches and dinner for the last few weeks. My heart feels connected to other empathetic hearts and together we are weeping.

Stay strong everybody.

Time only has meaning on Earth

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That’s a recurring theme of the NDE’s I’ve been reading over the last few weeks at the Near Death Experience Research Foundation. Your soul, spirit, etc floats above your physical body and time seems meaningless while your awareness is fully realized.

The calmness, dark tunnel and the white light at the end. That part is exciting to me and I can relate. Time feels like a shackle to me and when I can let go of my timely obligations and just exist, as I do in a garden for example on a day off, I feel the most joy and time slips by faster.

I’ve been receiving messages lately about the way the universe works. I miss being 24 and going on walks alone at night. I spent years being alone and now I am so wholly committed to my person that I wouldn’t want to walk alone because I wouldn’t want to scare him should he wake.

I was talking to my dad recently about my theories that the second-coming of Christ is an evolutionary event. Every generation of humans biologically become more loving beings and closer to the source, that is “God”. I am not afraid of dying, and even more have focused entirely on raising a loving human being. It’s hard and really exhausting.

One day, maybe in hundreds or perhaps thousands of years every single human will be spiritually aware and loving and able to kill their egos.

When photographs first started gaining popularity, there emerged a trend by some Photographers to capture spirits. Commonly referred to as spirit photography, William Hope comes to mind.

I believe every generation is getting kinder, smarter, and this is a slow evolution into a more loving humanity. Earth will evolve with the humans that inhabit it as a more beautiful planet when given the proper love and care.

Like an endlessly tessellating fractal of human experience, we will grow better, stronger, kinder and closer to God with each evolutionary repetition.

Time, this fake human construct I experience despite my best efforts to not. The time is flirting with midnight. My beautiful partner, snoring lightly. My beautiful child, sleeping in another room.

I would lay down sometimes with a cloth over my eyes and just imagine leaving my physical body and floating around it but I am scared. An out of body experience, many others describe. I don’t think that I can bring myself to try, even though I know that I could. Not right now, it’s too stressful. There’s never any quiet or alone time anymore.

But for so long there was! I could close my eyes in a grassy spot and just waft around on earth but also everywhere. I could feel the connectedness to the entire planet. I could trace my energy like never-ending veins reaching out and affecting everything. I can’t do that right now, its very much a chaotic situation on earth and the receiving end of that chaos physically introduces itself as a headache. People, stress, chaos.

The blessings in my life right now are breathing down my neck. I am grateful that for the most part, my little family is able to focus on our love for each other and being grateful for everything and helping others where possible.

It is 2020, and things are bad but they are still better than they have ever been on Earth and that’s what is important. I try to constantly remind myself, we are spiritual beings having a temporary physical experience here on Earth. I am not afraid of dying, but I sometimes believe I am afraid of making the most of life.

This rant was supposed to be motivational, maybe I should pick up a paintbrush or go to sleep and stop drinking coffee because parenting is hard and so will be tomorrow.

I am a spiritual being having a temporary physical experience, and that is why I am so tired these days.

I have been helping my Father with a new website hosted on WordPress so that I can help him with the technology aspects of his music. I have always loved his music as it has inspired me since a very young age to pursue new things to listen to from different generations, especially the blues.

You can check it out here: https://billybongsterband.wordpress.com/

I will be back very soon, sending love!

A crumb of justice, two months overdue. Ahmaud Arbery & criminal justice reform rant

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I am a citizen disgusted, of the United States of America. In case you are not, and unfamiliar with news in this country, there has been a racial divide :forever: and it has left us damaged and divided for as long as America broke free from the reigns of Great Britain. He was gunned down while jogging February 23rd, 2020.

Ahmaud Arbery.

This dude was beautiful, he has a huge smile and he was just going for a jog in his neighborhood. Another disgusting defense and senseless crime.

If you are a fellow American with any tendencies for pattern recognition, this is a pretty familiar plot. Black Americans gunned down by police brutality. Blue protecting blue, infiltration of white supremacists within the Police Forces in the south, etc etc. I truly hope justice is served for Ahmaud and that these people cannot hurt anyone else.

I often want to see and learn about the Ahmaud Arbery and other highlighted deaths.. I think of it as, don’t know, a little dedication. A little moment with them. I guess it’s another side effect of the internet, we can reconnect with people whenever we want through their images and content. Dead or alive. Every photo on the internet I could see was this gorgeous smile. Goodbye, beautiful man, I’m sorry you were taken away like this.

The dirty white man that makes me feel uncomfortable. No smile, dirty pants, dirty appearance. Full of hate. A former federal prosector’s investigator, so of course they wanted to cover this up.

The entire police system is corrupt.

Too many Americans are proud and not ashamed of our history with slavery.

It makes my stomach churn, the problems America has with violence. The problems we have in our communities. In our government and police systems.

And I may not know what a solution looks like, but I know what it feels like to be mad for my entire fucking life about the same shit.

Self-care tips during extended lockdowns

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These are unprecedented times that we are all living in and many people right now are struggling with their mental health, myself included. The collective anxiety we are feeling is real and warranted as we are managing this pandemic through social distancing measures. Many readers have been quarantined for weeks at this point, some for the very first time! I have been working from home for years and have plenty of experience being alone in a home for long periods of time. Here’s five self-care tips on how to not just survive your lockdown, but to thrive!

1. A variety of houseplants

Global health crises or not, a good collection of plants will always enhance the time you spend in your home. Cleaner air and living plants are easily my favorite bringers of joy. Watching new leaves uncurl in the early mornings with the company of coffee and a stress tear. That’s my 6:30am. The lighting is perfect at 3 points during the day, and I will make a point to loiter near my plant shelves for a moment.

For low light, you can get snake plants (Dracaena trifasciata), pothos, or most varieties of succulent. Of course, the more available sunlight you have to work with, the wider variety of plants you can grow in your home. There’s always a way to build your perfect indoor jungle.

It helps!

2. Music

I have met people in my life that did not constantly have music playing in the background, or that did not listen to music as an activity and it struck me as quite strange. I guess having a musician father has really impacted me in this way, but the power music has over the influence of our moods is astounding to me. I cherish my silence just as much, but having up beat music on while you cook breakfast and dinner always improves mood. Especially when you bust out some dance moves!

Some of my favorite music to listen to includes Tame Impala, Jimi Hendrix, Budos Band, etc. I love a solid reggae hour and funk hour littered throughout the week. You’ve gotta get moving so put on whatever makes you dance! Your plants will love it, too.

3. Keep Track of Something

Calories. Rainbows. It could be bird sightings, or the weather, or even how many inches your seedlings grow each week. When your life is simple and you are at home to observe everything, you might as well keep a log and be passionate about something. I miss simpler times when I could track egret sightings out the window in front of my office. The peace!

4. Neighborhood Walks

If you are able to do so in a way that avoids other people up, I highly recommend walking at least 30 minutes a day outside. It’s spring time, and as long as contacted can be avoided, the baby flowers and new grasses are like a warm broth for your soul. And if you can’t go outside safely, you can always vacuum your home 5 times a day (which I also do!)

5. Be grateful

Be grateful for your ability to facilitate the world in it’s recovery from the Covid-19 pandemic. You are here with us and you can stay home for a few months while countries contain the outbreak. This is a service to fellow humans and we’re all in it together. Be grateful for your health, and do your part!

The COVID-19 Renaissance

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March 2020 has arrived and evacuated, while collective anxiety flirts with the entire human population of Earth.

April is here, and stress radiates through every human display. Human displays are witnessed via a screen more often than a human being you can physically touch and talk to. Businesses are closed, people are home for weeks at a time.

And every single one of us humans are freaking out. Our hearts collectively beating right out of its chest, astrally projecting itself above your physical containment.

The only way to protect your mind from these trying times we felt so far away from as a modern society is the same as it was during the bubonic plague and many other epidemics throughout history. Through art and connection.

I hope everyone can stay home and maintain connection with other humans in a healthy and beautiful way. The next 6 months will be hard. The next few years will be hard. We are all struggling, we are all in this together.

Florida Visit 2020

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I always write my title’s last. I suppose it has to happen that way when you don’t know what you will write / draw / create until it’s being created. My words don’t linger anywhere but on the screen or paper.

I left Idaho to visit my extended friends and family in Florida for 3 weeks and it was the most wonderful and emotionally exhausting 3 weeks of my life! I truly recognize now that I’ve never missed anyone before and have promised myself not to ever leave without my husband again, it’s simply much too hard. SO here we are, back home, and waiting impatiently for him to return home from a welding job in Washington state.

We’ve been waiting since Tuesday and it is now Friday afternoon. Soon! Soon! I am so excited I am clicking away on my keyboard because I know this whole weekend will be too busy filled with love and happiness and cuddles that I couldn’t possibly get any writing done.

Florida is always a wonderful time and I’m so blown away with gratitude for the quantity and quality of friends that we have there, even if they may not know my husband at all and just met my child, we are always welcomed there with open arms and it feels fantastic.

We got in to Tampa at 11:15 pm and my dad came to pick us up, joint in hand and quite cranky to be made to grab us but circumstances are never ever what I anticipate so, my moms car broke down and here he is.

The drive back to Holiday was a long one and so I clutched my son on my lap and held on for dear life and prayed we would evade the police for 60 minutes flirting with midnight and naturally, it seemed to work.

The first people besides my parents that I truly wanted to see would be these beautiful friends of mine! Holly, Joe and Evelyn. Creative, kind, and energetic souls that I will adore for the rest of my life. We had a few beers and talked about how much we love each other and about classism and existence and being supportive and laughing and crying. It was a real treat!

We spent so much time in Holly’s garden and Axle loved to play with the bird bath and toss dirt every which way. His sweet smile melted souls and I am so proud of my happy boy. We went to the beach with my mom and MJ and Evelyn and that was Axle’s first time at a beach. The sun was setting at Anclote and everyone just looked so RADIANT!

Miss Holly will come be in Idaho for a while and I could not be happier!!! A union of souls, and hopefully the start of an even greater migration.