Stripping away my identity, one day at a time

pregnancy, writing

That’s what the past 6 months have felt like. My life will soon no longer revolve around me and my own whims and desires. As a self proclaimed wild-card, this is a bit much to accept. I am 29 years old this year and still feel like a kid, stumbling around my life. I could be 24 and tripping in the woods , dipping my toes in the springs and paying close attention to the ripples that start from my toes and end nowhere, around the planet, everywhere.

I like to think the ripples extended themselves all the way to the point in my life where I met my partner in Eugene, to the point when he impregnated me during a cold night in Boise, Idaho, and to the moment right now where I am typing with my laptop propped up against my very large belly. I like to think our son could kick the laptop off my lap in a violent stretching of his tiny legs if he really wanted to, and the fact that he hasn’t or isn’t says something.

I am scared I won’t be Camille anymore. I’ll just become a mother. But I know that’s not true. Something wonderful about my childhood is that we always knew our place. My parents had passions beyond raising us which is a stark difference between what I am displayed through social media in 2018. It’s almost like modern day parents are afraid of the world thinking their child isn’t their 100% highest priority in their life and I sort of think that sucks. For my father, music was his passion. He loved playing guitar more than anything in the world, more than spending time with us, more than anything. He shared his gift and passion with us and with the world and it is beautiful to me. We all knew our dad, Billy Bongster.┬áHe loved to play music and he loved to smoke weed and that was fine and it inspired us to find our own passions in life, which for me was always art. My mother was inspired to have fun, if one could ever say that, but she was truly always a free spirit and was always dancing, going on adventures, immersing herself in self love and exploration and had a passion for life.

I was to raise my child in the same way, to know that mommy loves to paint and daddy loves to skate and we love him to the ends of the earth but he cannot believe he is more important than the passions we have harvested throughout our lives. That it’s important to have a passion and that we’re here to help him find his way and learn to navigate the earth and influence it for the better while he’s here.

I get lost thinking about this person, who will be around long before us and long enough to understand how our behaviors today have influenced his world. His life expectancy based on current data projections is 76 years old, and having been born in 2018 he will lie through the year 2094. A child of the future. How much has life changed for us born in the late 80s and early 90s? How much has life changed for our parents and our grandparents? It’s a massive duty to raise a human to love and protect our earth and to understand intimately how our actions drive both positive and negative change.

I don’t know how well we will do as parents, how well the planet will fare based on not just our influence but of the influence of everyone carrying new life right now and those that have birthed in recent years and will in the future. I can only promise him, myself, my partner and the universe this: I will do my best. and I will continue to be myself and project my energies into the world in hopes for a positive change. Lord knows we need it.

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