A blank primed canvas stares at me from across the room

Every day, for months, until years go by. I can count the time I get to spend alone with my thoughts on both hands, within a year. Sitting and thinking and dancing with candle smoke seems like a lifetime ago, and I suppose it could be indeed a lifetime ago. One young lifetime ago, I wouldn’t arrive where I am in even the wildest of my dreams. It just makes me wonder what lies in the next lifetime duration within my own life? What about in 8 years, for me just a fraction of my life, but for someone else every experience they’ve ever had contained in that short little window. Time. Time.

I have so many drafts started, so many fucking world events that would have been described as “once in a lifetime” it we all weren’t so damn exhausted of the trope by now that in reality its just a Thursday. Room temperature green tea in a kitty cat mug, it’s snowing outside. One last flurry of weak snow that isn’t enough to stick to the ground but is enough to keep me inside.

I should be pouring all my energy into exercise, or education, staying the hell off Reddit dot com. Away from the digital attention traps. Into the moment. God be with us all as we step into Spring, and step into war. It feels to me, like it will be a global issue and things will not be good for a while, not for this decade. Not for a very long time. My heart is with you, Ukraine.

I’ve been staying up late instead, refreshing Twitter to understand what has been captured and around when.

🛸 🌎 ° 🌓 • .°• 🚀 ✯ ★ * ° 🛰 °· 🪐 . • ° ★ • ☄ ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇▇▆▅▄▃▁▂

Sunday, September 26th

It’s a warm day today. I have spent much of it inside, just like the last week and some change while covid-19 runs through my body. Self isolating, even though covid has been making it’s way through the neighborhood regardless. It does what it wants. My body doesn’t like the lack of movement. I’m operating with an energy deficiency. It seems like the virus is affecting everyone in a unique and different way. I felt sick for 2 days, but it wasn’t comparable to the worst viral infection I’ve ever had. I feel lazy, and neglectful of my physical body. I always do. I want to challenge by body and my mind and be fit but I never get very far into it.

And then we got sick, so I have to let my body rest even though the sun is shining bright and the day seems so inviting. I don’t want to breathe too close to anybody else’s space, so I am pacing around as much as I can stand within the confines of our small apartment.

Just a light cough and a little bit of an energy deficiency but I’m being patient with the virus and with my body. Drinking nice, cool water while I still can. I’ve moved some paint around on an old canvas, and re-charged my batteries. I’ve got donation piles and drop off bags for the thrift. Window shopped through the computer monitor on zillow for affordable homes in the middle of where in the southeast. Scrolled reddit and twitter until my brain cells ask me to stop for a while, please.

Listen for birds and check on my sweet snow peas. I am starting to get blooms and they are so beautiful. It feels like summer still. The mornings are cool and the city takes its time warming up in the afternoon. The colors of the trees are changing, all at once, and falling to the ground. More biomatter that will be wind blown to the corners of the property. nothing continues making any sense at all.

Current events exhausting my soul currently

Trying to write a few times for the last several Months, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Young human of my own creation, sounding out words, reaching for objects, new activities. A constantly learning new brain. My coffee has already cooled below room temp, I have candles lit. It’s candle season. The morning block of the day is quite cool this past week.

I want to maintain and strengthen my connection to the Earth. The flame flickers, and so do I. What about lately, then, what about Planet Earth?

  • Afghanistan continues to dissolve in the hands of the Taliban. America pulled our troops out and left the citizens, translators, women and children to have their fates decided by the most extreme examples of evil from that region of the world. I have some people to communicate with from that area for years now over social media, and finally, after many years of waiting have arrived in America. With great luck. I hope not but do anticipate xenophobia and racism becoming a brand new layer of stress that the refugees will have to adapt to after arriving in North America.

It gets soul exhausting so fast, dizzy dizzy while I try so hard to be a simple human, kindness and love, its dizzying to see so much. So don’t forget to clock out and pay attention to every single part of you. Your mind, your cells, your skin, organs, lifestyle. Take more steps. It was after months of having this step tracker that I managed to surpass the recommended daily 10,000 steps. How sedentary we are, how relentlessly cruel we are to ourselves. Be good to you & care about the world.

hello september, how are ya?

What better time to try writing than the eve before my 32nd revolution? I tried a lot through the weeks, unable to follow-through. Unable to hit publish the quickly typed, no-rough-draft bullshit I force myself to write every once and a while. Before my child wakes up. Before my spouse gets home. In between meals and play-time.

What can I say that hasn’t been said before? It’s been a solitary year. I am having a harder time to connect with other humans than I have in other periods of my life. I haven’t painted as much. Mostly sober, happy, normal, focused on family and survival and planting and not much else.

I am not motivated to have a job right now. Which sucks, because I could also most definitely use the money. I hate this feeling, having always poured so much of myself into work for so long. And the stability. Earth feels like she is screaming for help and throwing one hell of a tantrum after another trying to tell us self absorbed human beings to please, please stop. I live where I live for the first time.

This means to me that I linger within a small radius around my residence and use very little gas and time to explore outside of it. I will say hello to anyone else in this radius. I will plant things here. I have taken notice to the trash on the ground, and kept it clean. I can locate the fruit trees, on public or private property.

It feels very nice to be able to slow down my life so that I can notice these things. How many new bees and spiders live in the flowers I planted. The faint scent of dahlias in the morning. Marigolds and coarse calendula leaves. tossing seeds in neglected lots. Litter management. Getting to know the neighborhood cats and dogs and children.

Here we are

Here we are in time, this moment unforgiving. A culmination of hundreds of years, repercussions of the shortsightedness of my ancestors. Who is reading this, anyway? I feel disappointed in yall. I feel disappointed and lied to. You raised me into adulthood in the best ways that you could, lied to me, that we lived in a post-racial society. It eventually becomes obvious when there is a new name every.. single.. year. For my entire life.

And the planet was always struggling, we are catching up to the emissions of our great grand fathers and it will only get worse as my life and my son’s life move onward, towards the heat. Onwards towards the future- which brings with it what? I have always had a nagging feeling that something specific will happen. A prophesy, a tugging stomach ache, a nightmarish domino effect of repercussions outdated hate that never left our Earth.

Will it come true the way it does in my nightmares for a decade+ of my life?

Will national division in the U.S.A sow international tensions with a powerful Asian nation by the 2030’s?

For how long will people be getting sick and continue to pass from pandemic related illness?

Just how frequent will these extreme weather events continue to take place? We have yet to see a break. I haven’t sat down to write in a while because I have still been processing a lot of things. It is a lot, and I can’t ignore any details about it. The freeze in Texas, the Wildfires in Oregon.

The ice sheets at the poles are melting at extreme rates, survivability of many species are doomed. The rainforests in the Amazon release more carbon than they are absorbing due to logging.

Locally, in the Mountain Northwest USA, the aquifers are running dry. Lakes are emptying, many reservoirs are at or under 33% capacity.

And how frustrating is it that I continue to see every single week, sprinklers on , wetting xeriscape. Lawn irrigation, at the same time emission producing machines arrive every week to cut the grasses.

hell has frozen over

Spring, we are waiting for you. Less patiently in some places than in others. A little less than one Month until the Spring equinox. Our planet, ever-rotating. Time halts for no one. So why, do I waste so much of it? On these thoughts that wash over me. My intentional blindness. Sitting, stretching, breathing. The muscles in my legs grow weak. More coffee, more tea, the teeth in my mouth feel foreign to me.

February, 2021

Winter was moderate, not that bad in Idaho. My heart goes all the way down south, it is sad and it is broken. Rest in Peace to All

progress, not a peak

There’s a lot of ugliness involved in being a human. “Where’s the humanity?” a modern human might ask in the comments after an article, a media propaganda, well designed piece of information shared into the vastly interconnected internet for all to read and see and know. Things were, for humans of Earth, always chaotic, fueled by hatred over understanding. That is what, historically I guess defines humanity.

So just don’t ask that question, it feels silly, humanity is at it’s very best right now and is still not peaked. We have a long way to go, brothers and sisters of the world. There are more good people than bad, so why is it that the bad people continue to claim and rest on their power?

My dichotomy, disappointed and proud. Earthly traits. Here is a painting I have decided I am done working on it. It seeks a new home.

My home, my heart, it’s growing. We are growing together, at our own pace, in our own space. I pursue a new dialogue, an understanding, because the more barriers, borders and differences are explored and sometimes removes, the better our future will be. An evolution, a dance with time, we will get better yet.

On Earth right now for a reason

You are. We are. I am. And trust me, I know that it is hard to be here right now but we need to trust the process. Propaganda is more effective, more personal, more likely to radicalize than ever before with the guiding hand of technology. Facebook is the ultimate propaganda machine, and has been used to organize and radicalize groups like III%’s, Qanon, etc. especially over the last ten years.

There is a segment of society that reacted to the election of Barack Obama in the United States and they elected the most vile motherfucker on Earth to “run” this country for the past four years, into a disheveled mess. But really, what did Donald Trump do? He threw water on Amerikkka and let the makeup rinse off, revealing the true ugliness that was always here.

The stories have been the same when told through the mouths of the abused. It was 2006 when the FBI released a memo disclosing the growing threat of white supremacists infiltrating police forces around the USA.

And yet, nothing changes. More news articles outlining cases of abuse and murder, no effort to form solutions for a more just world. That’s not my story to tell.

We are on Earth right now to care deeply for each other. To be strong and intolerant of hatred, on the individual and systemic level. To shut down the concepts of judgement and hate around the world, foster a connection and explore our shared humanity through the great effort of saving the world we all live on together.

This requires communication, compassion, strength, and focus as most all of us are volatile and constantly being manipulated into any which way by those who oppress us all: the extremely wealthy of whom profit from the continued exploitation of Earth.

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